My heart is still sore for the sudden death of a dear pastor-friend whom I've known for years. Age 43, his heart failed him, led to many complications, and he's gone...a father left behind a mourning wife - his faithful ministry partner and number one supporter through the years; three lovely children, school-age children fulfilling their own dreams. And he was sent home early to heaven to be with the Lord that same day when his wife rushed him to the ICU. In a matter of hours...shortly after noontime, and he entered the evening of his life. Abrupt. Now six feet under, his lifeless body will decompose as nature takes its course to tell of what was written in the Bible "...for dust you are and to dust you will return.” (Gen. 3:19 NIV) I prayed for his wife who is equally dear to me. I saw how she held on during the wake. She managed to put on a smile and the eye-bags were showing for lack or no sleep at all. I hugged her tight. Felt her throbbing heart. I said I was "speechless." Just there, my eyes soaked in tears.
She went on to tell me how she wrestled with God in prayer during the few-hour ordeal when her husband fought for dear life in the ICU. She pleaded the Lord, she wailed in the hospital room praying! She wasn't ready to let go. She prayed for a miracle healing, right there...and then. And she asked the Lord, is there anything too difficult for You? But she heard the Lord's whisper, her miracle was on the way, and it's not the kind of miracle she was expecting, that they will be fine without her husband around, that their children are the miracles, living miracles that they will grow up favored by God, and following on the footsteps of their father. And that, "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in them (you), will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil. 1:6 NIV)
That is the miracle. She heard God's final word. She was ready. She embraced pain and grief, she embraced the will of God. And yes, even death, even in death, she heard the voice of God. She is a walking miracle as I saw a sea of people mourned, hundreds of us came by the hour. Shocked. Speechless. I prayed for their children. Fine young children, that grew up in the family, in the ministry where selflessness, serving people, loving people were action words. You know they're the kind of parents whose business, bread and butter, has been preaching the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ.
How he finished the race this early? his mission on earth accomplished so soon? so untimely? These questions popped the cognitive mind as I tried to process what most of us thought was an untimely death, sudden death. As if his death was unbeknownst to our Creator, as if God Himself was surprised by the demise of his faithful servant, "suddenly," that element of "suddenly," has taken us by surprise. But he was a zealous brother in the Lord, a naturally serious countenance but loved by many for his antics, a soul-winner, a cool pastor-guy with a happy disposition. And he holds the right to stay on earth longer for that matter? Robbing God of His Sovereignty as if He is not in full control of everything. Yes, even this. Death. God is God. Let God be God.
His life was unexpectedly seized from his family. That's the statement that went around. How we cope up with the loss of a loved one. As if this life, LIFE, belonged to persons, people. As if we were entitled to have possession of people and as if people actually owned people? Like we have anything to do with the whole creation of mankind. My community. My family. My Hunny. My Daughter. My Son. It felt eerie and quiet in the car as I drove home not wanting to turn the music on. Just listening to the inner voice speak. Death. That could have happened to any of us, while we live our own sweet life.
The Hunny belonged to God, not to me, and I behaved like he is mine to keep. My children belonged to God, not to me, and I behaved like I can keep them here for the rest of their lives. But how I position myself, how I hovered and cuddled them for protection. Security. That's what I was missing here, security. Security of the future. And when there is no security, there is no clarity, the road ahead looked bleak. And I failed to trust Him again. I am stuck in the rut. When I know that it is all about trusting the Lord for my future. And T-R-U-S-T has been and always will be an action word required of me.
That night, I held my children close to me. For long, until my arms ached, they were fast asleep. The Daughter, who had just officially turned teenager days ago. The Son, who was just learning how to ride his bike during the holidays. And these kids were blessed having their own Mom for a teacher for the last e-i-g-h-t years! We're together almost 24/7 but I still do miss them a lot. Life is so sweet. We have the privilege of having dual "citizenships" in two neighbouring provinces of Mindoro and Batangas. And our home, our school, home, traveling with us any where we go, not fancy like the ones I "pinned" and "liked" on Pinterest. Lacking in elegance but more of the rustic laid back home. We are comfortable in that happiness bubble. And this night was bitter-sweet. And our perfectly shaped world could have been crushed, mangled by a sudden loss, death of a loved one? T-r-u-s-t is an action word. Let go my soul. Let God.
"...for dust you are and to dust you will return.” (Gen. 3:19 NIV) And The Hunny, my ever impatient and imperfect Hunny, how he manages to be stable and calm some all the times, our spiritual leader, the leader of our home. My homeschool career ( if that's considered a career), my being Mom to my kids, controlling them guiding them, instilling fear of man God early on in their life. And teaching them to trust the Lord at all times, and that T - R - U - S - T - ing the Lord is truly a wonderful thing. Soothing, taming, even the wildest of hearts, the weariest of souls, and honoring His name. And I don't own any of these tangible and intangible things I earnestly amass as I journey through my short life. How can I keep forgetting this? All these, I am just a steward, d - u - s - t. All are HIS. Who holds everything at the palm of His hands, Who holds the future and Who says, "I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” God’s Decree.
Jeremiah 29: 11-14 ( The Message )
Aahhh...this is how I would tame a wild soul...for now...
