"Every marriage is made up of two ingredients, togetherness and separateness. In good marriages, the partners carry equal loads of those. Let's say there are 100 points of togetherness and 100 points of separateness. In a good relationship, one partner expresses 50 points togetherness and 50 points separateness, and the other does the same. They both do things on their own, and that creates some mutual longing for the other, and the togetherness creates some need for separateness."
BOUNDARIES By Dr. Henry Cloud
Remember when she first learned how to cross the street? when she had her first jeepney ride on her own? when she learned how to swim and ride a bike? when she learned how to commute on a public bus? her first ride on a Grab car? when she enrolled to university by herself? As she learned these life skills, you yourself learned to slowly keep your distance so she may practice independence. You allowed her to make decisions for herself and in turn, she learned the value of a good or bad decision and the consequences thereof. You, for yourself, understood that coming to her rescue is not about you as a parent bestowing your love for her. Rather, it is you as her parent denying her the privilege of practicing autonomy, a critical part to raising responsible adults. Moreover, it is a selfish kind of love if you're focused on getting rid of your own feeling of discomfort each time your child goes through a tough situation. So, like a broken record, you spoke thus, "I love you that much that as your mom, I can stand the pain of seeing you get hurt now if only that will mold you to become a useful, capable, and responsible adult in the future." Her eyes rolled. Yikes. Tough love.
Part 2 The Season of Separateness
As quoted above, Dr. Henry Cloud described a healthy togetherness and separateness in marriage. But it's interesting to note that this also holds true for a healthy parent-children relationship especially for home-educating families, presuming that they have a close relationship with each other. This is the kind of perspective that helped you process and prepare for what would inevitably happen in the future as your daughter go away to college. You each create a space for one another to grow. That is the new drum beat to march to. When you're being tempted to worry for her safety and her ability to navigate the harsh conditions of college life, you remind yourself, it's all about respect. Respect for her innate capacity to adapt to challenging situations, just as how our Abba Father has gifted all of His children to have. That is why nothing beats the gift of adaptability.
Remember when she first learned how to cross the street? when she had her first jeepney ride on her own? when she learned how to swim and ride a bike? when she learned how to commute on a public bus? her first ride on a Grab car? when she enrolled to university by herself? As she learned these life skills, you yourself learned to slowly keep your distance so she may practice independence. You allowed her to make decisions for herself and in turn, she learned the value of a good or bad decision and the consequences thereof. You, for yourself, understood that coming to her rescue is not about you as a parent bestowing your love for her. Rather, it is you as her parent denying her the privilege of practicing autonomy, a critical part to raising responsible adults. Moreover, it is a selfish kind of love if you're focused on getting rid of your own feeling of discomfort each time your child goes through a tough situation. So, like a broken record, you spoke thus, "I love you that much that as your mom, I can stand the pain of seeing you get hurt now if only that will mold you to become a useful, capable, and responsible adult in the future." Her eyes rolled. Yikes. Tough love.
Simply put, the season of separateness means you separate. Then you keep pursuing what matters most to you and your family by remaining intentionally separate. Yes, separate, but definitely present. You assure her of your unconditional love for her; you still see her; you encourage her; you listen to her; you pray for her; you still do those sweet little devotion time with her; but you are now off the stage, so to speak. You have fully committed her to Jesus. At times it may require a little sacrifice on your part, by closing your mouth😷
As a mother, you're all for seeking thecommon highest good of everyone within your unit. You step back. You look at your children with the perspective that 'these children are not your own, they do not belong to you, they belong to their real Father in heaven. He created them for HIM and not for you. Now you, you are to be called the privileged mom, their God-ordained carer on earth.' You have since given up your degrees on Micro-management 101, Comparative Homeschooling, and Micro-management 102😜which was pivotal to your transition to the new season of separateness almost seamlessly and with anticipation. Having home-educated for 15 years through high school, she must be ready to go out of the coop and fly; to tackle a new territory which will allow her to be the awesome college girl that she is called to be. You can now sing, hand on chest, "How can I miss you if you never go away?"
As a mother, you're all for seeking the
