—Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud
Part 2
The Season of Separateness
As quoted above, Dr. Henry Cloud described a healthy togetherness and separateness in marriage. But it is interesting to note that this also holds true for a healthy parent-child relationship—especially for home-educating families, presuming that they have a close relationship with each other. This is the kind of perspective that helped you process and prepare for what would inevitably happen in the future as your daughter goes away to college. You each create a space for one another to grow. That is the new drumbeat to march to. When you are tempted to worry about her safety and her ability to navigate the harsh conditions of college life, you remind yourself: it is all about respect. Respect for her innate capacity to adapt to challenging situations, just as our Abba Father has gifted all of His children to have. That is why nothing beats the gift of adaptability.
Remember when she first learned how to cross the street? When she had her first jeepney ride on her own? When she learned how to swim and ride a bike? When she learned how to commute on a public bus? Her first ride in a Grab car? When she enrolled at the university by herself? As she learned these life skills, you yourself learned to slowly keep your distance so she could practice independence. You allowed her to make decisions for herself, and in turn, she learned the value of a good or bad decision and the consequences thereof. You understood that coming to her rescue is not about you as a parent bestowing your love upon her. Rather, it is you as her parent denying her the privilege of practicing autonomy—a critical part of raising responsible adults. Moreover, it is a selfish kind of love if you are focused on getting rid of your own feelings of discomfort each time your child goes through a tough situation. So, like a broken record, you spoke thus: "I love you that much that as your mom, I can stand the pain of seeing you get hurt now, if only that will mold you to become a useful, capable, and responsible adult in the future." Her eyes rolled. Yikes. Tough love.
Simply put, the season of separateness means you separate. Then, you keep pursuing what matters most to you and your family by remaining intentionally separate. Yes, separate, but definitely present. Do your best to stay in your lane. You assure her of your unconditional love for her; you still see her; you encourage her; you listen to her; you pray for her; you still do those sweet little devotion times with her; but you are now off the stage, so to speak. You have fully committed her to Jesus. At times, it may require a little sacrifice on your part, like closing your mouth. 😷
As a mother, you're all for seeking the highest common good of everyone within your unit. You step back. You look at your children with the perspective that these children are not your own—they do not belong to you; they belong to their real Father in heaven. He created them for HIM and not for you. You, on the other hand, are called to be the privileged mom, their God-ordained carer on earth. You have since given up your degrees in Micromanagement 101, Comparative Homeschooling, and Micromanagement 102, 😜 which was pivotal to transitioning into this new season of separateness almost seamlessly and with anticipation. Having home-educated her for 15 years through high school, she must be ready to go out of the coop and fly—to tackle a new territory that will allow her to be the awesome college girl she is called to be. You can now sing, hand on chest, "How can I miss you if you never go away?"
