"How Can I Miss You If You Never Go Away?" Part 2 of 2 - SEPARATENESS

"Every marriage is made up of two ingredients, togetherness and separateness. In good marriages, the partners carry equal loads of those. Let's say there are 100 points of togetherness and 100 points of separateness. In a good relationship, one partner expresses 50 points togetherness and 50 points separateness, and the other does the same. They both do things on their own, and that creates some mutual longing for the other, and the togetherness creates some need for separateness."  

BOUNDARIES By Dr. Henry Cloud 

Part 1 The Season of Togetherness

Part 2 The Season of Separateness

As quoted above, Dr. Henry Cloud described a healthy togetherness and separateness in marriage. But it's interesting to note that this also holds true for a healthy parent-children relationship especially for home-educating families, presuming that they have a close relationship with each other. This is the kind of perspective that helped you process and prepare for what would inevitably happen in the future as your daughter go away to college. You each create a space for one another to grow. That is the new drum beat to march to. When you're being tempted to worry for her safety and her ability to navigate  the harsh conditions of college life, you remind yourself, it's all about respect. Respect for her innate capacity to adapt to challenging situations, just as how our Abba Father has gifted all of His children to have. That is why nothing beats the gift of adaptability. 

Remember when she first learned how to cross the street? when she had her first jeepney ride on her own? when she learned how to swim and ride a bike? when she learned how to commute on a public bus? her first ride on a Grab car? when she enrolled to university by herself? As she learned these life skills, you yourself learned to slowly keep your distance so she may practice independence. You allowed her to make decisions for herself and in turn, she learned the value of a good or bad decision and the consequences thereof. You, for yourself, understood that coming to her rescue is not about you as a parent bestowing your love for her. Rather, it is you as her parent denying her the privilege of practicing autonomy, a critical part to raising responsible adults. Moreover, it is a selfish kind of love if you're focused on getting rid of your own feeling of discomfort each time your child goes through a tough situation. So, like a broken record, you spoke thus, "I love you that much that as your mom, I can stand the pain of seeing you get hurt now if only that will mold you to become a useful, capable, and responsible adult in the future." Her eyes rolled. Yikes. Tough love. 

Simply put, the season of separateness means you separate. Then you keep pursuing what matters most to you and your family by remaining intentionally separate. Yes, separate, but definitely present. You assure her of your unconditional love for her; you still see her; you encourage her; you listen to her; you pray for her; you still do those sweet little devotion time with her; but you are now off the stage, so to speak. You have fully committed her to Jesus. At times it may require a little sacrifice on your part, by closing your mouth😷 

As a mother, you're all for seeking the common highest good of everyone within your unit. You step back. You look at your children with the perspective that 'these children are not your own, they do not belong to you, they belong to their real Father in heaven. He created them for HIM and not for you. Now you, you are to be called the privileged mom, their God-ordained carer on earth.' You have since given up your degrees on Micro-management 101, Comparative Homeschooling, and Micro-management 102😜which was pivotal to your transition to the new season of separateness almost seamlessly and with anticipation. Having home-educated for 15 years through high school, she must be ready to go out of the coop and fly; to tackle a new territory which will allow her to be the awesome college girl that she is called to be. You can now sing, hand on chest, "How can I miss you if you never go away?" 

Part 1 The Season of Togetherness

Part 2 The Season of Separateness

"How Can I Miss You If You Never Go Away?" Part 1 of 2 - TOGETHERNESS

Part 1 The Season of Togetherness

Part 2 The Season of Separateness

How to wrap around your mama-heart, the thought of your daughter leaving home for college in Manila, Philippines? It's nursery, kinder 1, kinder 2, and then grades 1 to 12, we're talking about 15 wonderful years of preparing her for this season of going to college. 'She's finally on her own now and away from your leashes' was a joke that somehow felt like a reality. But would those 15 years be enough to train her to overcome the challenges of university life and eventually the real life for which she was called for a purpose? Yes. You thought so. 

You will worry and you will be scared naturally, thinking about how she will survive mostly living on her own in the big city. But that is not how you're going to take this season in your life. It's not about the worrying or the doubting, although you can't deny that this struggle is real. Now what is this all about, then? This is all about your posture on how you're going to welcome the inevitable, that she will have to leave and be separate from you. The posture of knowing that in your lifetime, there are seasons of togetherness and separateness. 

Part 1 The Season of Togetherness
     
The season of togetherness is when you have all the luxury of time doing life with her while your daughter is still under your reigns. While her heart is still malleable, able to bend and mold, you teach her, you train her, you educate her, you disappoint her with your "no's" and surprise her with your "yeses". And through this you hoped to teach her that not all in life you'd get a "yes". People will disappoint you, and you will disappoint people. We live in a fallen world that is habitated by fallen people. So, you prepare her for reality, that life is not easy. And yet we are here, surely our Lord has handpicked us for this lifetime of purpose where we ought to thrive and bear fruit. Then you make it stick to her heart, and maybe even at times sounding like a broken record 'the Lord did not create us for us, we are created by Him, for Him'.

In the season of togetherness, your daughter gets to have the front row ticket to watching you how you practice what you preach. She observes your every move, your every word, your every rage, your joys, your brokenness, and your victories and your responses. More than the physical books and online courses that you provided for her to study to teach her the academic side of college preps, she gets to see the real deal and in real time, day-in and day-out. Your character. The one that truly matters, the one that would stick for life because this she will remember, and the academic aspect of it, the quizzes, the recitations, the enumerations, the definitions of terms, God only knows how much will be retained. So, in togetherness, you know that you are being watched! You know that teaching really, is more on what was caught than taught. 

Oh, the joys of togetherness! The first day of her ballet class when she wore her ballerina outfit when she was five. Then you decided after a few months to quit ballet to move back to the island of Mindoro in your hometown of Puerto Galera where the grass is literally greener and the water is blue. You beach-schooled on this paradise island for almost a year until you then went back to homeschool in your hometown of Batangas City. Those together-moments on your road-trips to the South of Luzon, Viajes Del Sol. And yet, you kept going back to the island of Mindoro because you wanted your children to learn how to be awed and to keep repeating it because joy comes in the repetition of things! And a lot of times in togetherness, you hit a lull, just when your kids would spend hours with their swimming coach learning how to swim. You sat by the hotel pool as you drank your juice you thought that waiting on your children finish their swimming routines sometimes felt like it's dumbing you down. You went to university with a college degree but there you were, nannying your own kids! Isn't that a task for unemployed stay-at-home moms? These voices inside your head.

     

You would not allow self-pity to stick for long because you easily learned the art of encouraging yourself in the Lord and found comfort in His promises from scriptures.

"You will keep in perfect and constant peace the one whose mind is steadfast [that is, committed and focused on You—in both inclination and character], Because he trusts and takes refuge in You [with hope and confident expectation]." Isaiah 26:3 (Amp)

With all the complexities and the drama that surround motherhood, you realized later on that being a full-time, hands-on mom is a privilege. Who else would you volunteer to make an indelible imprint into their hearts but you? And while you are in this season, you ought to be intentional in making every moment count with them. Because this is the best time to sow good seeds into their hearts. That is why you do not delegate motherhood. What a privilege! While the kids are young, you be their awesome, present mom. Because life as a whole has fleeting seasons. They change constantly, they do not stay here for long.

In togetherness, homeschooling became your way of life as you normalized traveling with your kids, a big part of which was required by the nature of your husband's job in the oil and gas industry. In togetherness, traveling helped to stimulate growth and adaptability among them. They learned to identify the essentials and what to pack for short and long trips abroad; being mindful of their food and water consumption. They learned the value of planning ahead to manage their expectations. Thus, it cultivated a certain sense of structure and discipline at their young age. Indeed, travel matures people, young and old, allowing them to adapt to different settings and conditions. 

You never ever stayed in one place for a long time to connect permanently with others from outside of your immediate family circle. And as they were growing up to the teen years, heated but healthy arguments around the family table seemed to be normalized just as well. You each learned how to respect and value one another's opinion. Therefore, you were drawn together as a tribe, finding comfort and security in the presence of one another.  The bond that you formed was deep and meaningful in such an organic way.

Part 1 The Season of Togetherness

Tomorrow, Lord-willing? 

Part 2 The Season of Separateness.

We could ride our bikes, then

Read a book or two,

Draw a pretty picture,

Color it with blue,

Walk the dog or just sit quietly with you

You can choose whatever you want to do.

When we are together,

I don't care what we do.

TOGETHER

(Alfred's Premier Piano Course)

How I Responded To James 1:2-4

"Consider it all JOY, brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

Consider it all JOY, my brethren, when you encounter various trials... such as the tragedy that struck my family last October 3 when two gun-wielding criminals riding a motorbike fired multiple shots at my eldest brother and his 15 year-old son. It happened so fast in split seconds that both of them died on the spot in broad daylight, right at the driveway of their own home. It was difficult watching the news on national TV and on the internet the following days. It was a double-murder tragedy. I've seen hundreds of news like this before. But this day was different. This was my brother. This was my nephew. 

You and I both know that a tragedy is a tragedy; it is unthinkable, it cut so deep, the shards of glass felt permanently imbedded in the recesses of your heart. You are shaken to the core. You are at your wit's end trying to process what was unthinkable; bad things happen to good people? Such as my own brother who have lived a simple and decent life of service to his constituents. He served the people of Puerto Galera for over two decades as town councilor. He was billed by his colleagues as a "brilliant fiscalizer", a force to reckon with in the konseho, a great influencer, his wisdom sought after. He did not take what wasn't his. My nephew was a kind-hearted young man, full of talents and dreams. I loved him like my own son. He was best buddies with my own two children. They enjoyed playing good music together and with their other cousins, they formed their own band called Pins and Needles; "Pins" is short for pinsan (cousin), while "needles" represent their titos (uncles) and titas (aunts) who are doctors and nurses. They are the ones who are next in line, so to speak. If this happened to us, it could happen to anyone else, too.

You may have experienced the same shattering situation in your own life before or perhaps even worse than this, only God knows, or you may still be in the middle of a different form of trial today. They come in different shapes and sizes. Go ahead. 

Feel free to fill in the spaces below.  What's your kind of trial/s today?

•              _______________________________________________________________
•              _______________________________________________________________
•              _______________________________________________________________

Please remember that there are no wrong answers if you tried to fill in the blanks mentally. They are all legitimate trials, God-wise, because everything about me, about you, is important to Him. And I am not supposed to feel ashamed to expose my weaknesses to an All-knowing God, because when I'm honest with my feelings, when I'm transparent, helpless in the face of adversity, when I choose to put Him where He should be in my life, to be at the CENTER of my orbit, then I give Him honor. And to honor Him is the purpose for why I'm even here in the first place. He is the Only Wise God, Who without a doubt is the One in control of my life. 

It's my bread of the day. It's too chunky for my baby-self to ingest. I like breaking it down into chewable pieces. Knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance; underscoring the four big words; KNOWING, TESTING, FAITH, ENDURANCE, they overshadow words like death, sickness, cancer, bankruptcy, divorce, rape, murder, the unthinkable!

KNOWING is realizing and accepting the fact that trials will always be present here on earth, that troubles are a grim reality, troubles will come, as my daughter reminded me, 'yes, Mom, life is a bed of roses, because the truth is, roses have thorns.' I can't agree with her more. I have to make peace with that; I don't live in a perfect world but I live in a perfectly broken world, where God is still in control and always will be. God is King, He is on the throne and always will be.

TESTING is yet again synonymous with fun words like trials, adversities, troubles, they are all necessary elements for growth and maturity. For this process to take place, come to think of it, there will be breaking and stretching and lifting and shifting, fun words. But my default is to trust in my own understanding, to be self-sufficient, and independent of help. Only to find myself later at the end of the rope, helpless and marred to the bone. Apart from Him I can't accomplish anything. It is literally something out-of-this-world because it is only made possible through God's divine enablement. I may not be always aware of His presence, but it is Him Who makes everything possible for me.  What a privilege to be stuck right in the middle of this  molding process! As defined in Hebrews 11:1, faith is being sure of what I am hoping for, being certain of the things I cannot see, it is a God-thing. Even the ability to trust in Him comes from Him. He provides by giving me assurance from His scriptures. His scriptures give life as it transforms my limited thought processes from non-believing to believing.  No matter how unthinkable a tragedy may hit  me, by faith, I have my hope in Him Who had everything planned out for me. I will reap the harvest of endurance.

ENDURANCE plays a significant part in order for me to finish strong in fulfilling my God-given purpose in life. There may be times when my purpose looked bleak for the long haul. And again, my daughter described it well one morning after we buried our loved ones. 'It felt like we're in a snow globe, Mom, we were shaken deep down and you can't see through. But no matter how shaken we have been, things will eventually settle and we will see clearly. Everything will make sense someday why God allows bad things happen to good people.'  I must let endurance have its perfect result in me. It is a process. It is time-bound. I will keep pressing forward because that is what endurance is all about, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going; and it gets better and better each day as the Lord Himself provides the strength to endure. 

It is amazing to think that as I learn to appreciate every event that comes my way, both good and bad, I become more like Him! What a privilege, what a way to become like Him when I experience suffering! No wonder there is such a place called Via Dolorosa, Latin for Way of Suffering just as Jesus did on the cross more than two thousand years ago, this was the path that He took, how He suffered to the point of death on the cross of Calvary because of His love for me. He showed me how to become like Him. Be like Him. Too much to comprehend, because when I say "I love You, Lord" that means I will follow Him, I become a follower, I become like Him, and His way is the way of suffering. It is through suffering that my own heart is transformed to be like HIM. What a privilege to be like Him when I experience suffering! Meanwhile, because of His loving-kindness, He provides a way for me to be transformed to be more like Him. He imparts His own character in me as I learn to trust HIM for everything through the power of the Holy Spirit.

I remain faithful and hopeful, and joyfully ENDURE slash PERSEVERE. Let perseverance finish its work is to be on the same page with God as I let Him strengthen me in my weakness because when I stay put and let God be God, I am transformed from a Me-centered person to a God-centered person. I become more and more like Him each day so that I may be mature and complete not lacking anything.

Note: All photos from Tabinay Beach were taken by Bethany A. De Chavez😃

Let's Talk About The Laing

(Note:Pls. keep scrolling to the end to watch  a fun video clip of our laing preps.)

Trying to frame a perfect view for a windy-rainy morning here on this side of the planet. It's a perfect day to cook a family favorite ulam which is none other than the  delectable laing. And because I hail from the province of Oriental Mindoro, I also call it pinangat or pangat for short. The main ingredient of this well-loved Filipino dish is the lowly dahon ng gabi that propagates in your swampy backyard or in your neighborhood's unkempt vacant lot. If you have a friendly neighbor — reword, if you are friends with your neighbor that grows a gabi patch, you can score it for free. The same situation applies to your malunggay and dahon ng saging cooking needs. 

Gabi, or taro in English, is primarily a starchy root vegetable that has huge green leaves and tuberous stalks. It is loaded with essential nutrients and vitamins B, C, and E, iron, calcium, phospohorous; it is low in sodium, low in saturated fat, low in cholesterol but rich in dietary fibers. The list goes on and on. It also has a long list of medicinal uses but that is for another day. 

It is the perfect ulam to warm the cold and rainy season as the kakang gata and the little dynamites of green siling haba, red hot chillies, and diced ginger are added to complete the laing DNA. Crunchy liempo and dilis are also added to the ensemble of laing ingredients which made it filling and comforting at the same time especially when you eat it with steaming rice. I call it a marriage made in heaven. 

The big schools just culminated their celebration of Nutrition Month of July last week. And for the month of August it is the Buwan ng Wika. Tiny schools like ours, which we fondly call The De Chavez Family Homeschool (established in 2005 with two enrolees to wit, one 5th grader and one senior high on the 11th grade), we try making it big by cooking a large batch of laing which is enough to feed an entire village😉 We will store the batch in quart-sized ziplocs and stick them in the freezer to preserve the flavors of freshly cooked laing. Then we will just thaw and heat a portion in the microwave anytime our cravings kick in. Mas masarap pag nabahaw ang laing. Is this Filipino enough? 

But let me warn you that this green-leafy Pinoy dish is not for the impatient and fast-food oriented brood of foodies. Timing plays a crucial role in achieving the perfect texture and luster of the laing. It is a labor of love as Tita Bebs describes it. You have to keep stirring it every so often for at least an hour, eye-balling it to avoid any hint of burning while the kakang gata cooks it through. Although it is such a simple recipe, patience has been put to good use here in order to achieve a certain laing luster. According to Tita Bebs, that was what she was looking for, kailangan may kaunting kislap. I can not argue with her in terms of why her version of  the laing is one on the pasty consistency side. She is a true-blue Romblomanon but have lived in Occidental Mindoro for the most part of her life. Two provinces in Southern Luzon which are both rich in agricultural resources like coconuts and of course chillies. So, she has my full trust on this laing recipe and among many other things. 

The biko with latik for dessert is perfect with coffee or tea. Back in the days when it was time to eat and we had to call everyone to the family table, we hollered  "hayin na!!! or on some days "dulog na kayo dine!!!"...Is this Filipino enough?😉 

         

(Video Note: The small blue pot to the left is boiling kapeng barako, our natural kitchen deodorizer and you  would know what I'm talking about if you liked frying crunchy dilis on rainy days. The aroma of kapeng barako neutralizes the fishy odor that would otherwise stick to your kitchen walls. And of course, fume hoods are too noisy and they are just there for show. )