What Happened When I Returned To Moscow With A New Passport

Domodedovo Airport, Moscow, The Russian Federation— I got off my seat and dragged my weary body outside of the plane where I sat for almost five hours of peaceful flight from Dubai. I paced myself and walked straight to the long tube that led to the long queues that led to the immigration officers that will stamp my PILIPINAS passport that will give me access to enter this bolshoi nation, sometimes I fondly call this, Mother Russia.

Moscow that evening had a welcoming temperature of -3 centigrade and I thought that it was not so bad coming from a +27 centigrade back home in Manila. As I stood there acclimatizing myself with the weather, I realized that the temperature inside the airport was actually rather toasty, as always. I stared at the people's expressionless, perfectly contoured faces and I tried to mentally rehearse what to do next when my turn comes. First, I will remove my eyeglasses; second, I will approach the immigration officer forward and then give her a polite but expressionless dobre dien (good evening) to establish an impression that it was not my first time in Russia. I've been through this many times over the course of almost five years but I have not gotten used to this so-called expressionless Russian courtesy and hospitality. If you're a first-timer from sunny Southeast Asia, you'll be surprised that they won't smile back at you at all. But you have to take it with a teaspoonful of sugar. In their heart, they are sincere and kind once they warm up to you. I had to rehearse this thought in my mind over and over until it sank in. Because to be honest, the flat affect still terrifies me even if I always traveled with proper documentation. I should be fine.

As I stood there, I knew so well that getting through that glass partition was at the mercy of the prekrasnyy immigration officer waiting for me to hand in my passport. She examined it like a scientist observing a specimen under her magnifying glass. She mumbled something. My heart beat raced. What could go wrong? "Sorrry, nyet (no) Paruskiy, only English, pajalsta (please)?" She immediately reframed her words, "is this your first time here?" "No madam. I've been here many times already." I was tempted to add, 'we have an apartment here,' but I was quick to hold back another English word because one word could lead to more questioning. "Did you come here to work?" "Nyet, madam. I'm here for a vacation. My husband works here. If you want I can show you my old passport. Here, I have it with me. And I also have my return-ticket if you want to see it." I thought I tried to smile ear-to-ear at that point.

I was too familiar with this kind of feeling. I will be asked a few more questions to verify the legality of my trip here. Definitely. The immigration officer was just doing her job.  Maybe for my nose, my eyes, the color of my skin. I'm sure, most, if not all Filipino women go through the same feat with immigration in Europe. I have to stay relaxed and composed. She leafed through the pages of my old passport; she counted every single page forward, backward, repeat, perhaps looking for a ripped page; she mumbled yet again as she paused on one page, "ah, US tourist visa". That moment I wanted to say, "yes ma'am, never been used since I got it six years ago", but I kept it to myself. She never asked why I have it. She half-smiled and that look on her face gave me a sigh of relief. She then handed me my passport and proceeded with furnishing me with a migration card—a very important puny little slip of paper that I have to guard with my life if I don't want to get in trouble with the authorities during my stay here. Like my passport, I have to bring it with me anywhere I go and return it to the immigration officer upon my departure. I'm thankful that it is small enough to be inserted in my passport jacket.

The moment the immigration officer pushed the button to let me pass through the automatic swinging glass door, all of my fears dissipated. I can never get used to this. This is Moscow, the city I love next to Manila, but I have issues with the people's expressionless faces. As the escalator gradually descended to the arrival lobby, I started looking for a man with a full-head, jet black colored hair, wearing a collared polo shirt, and a pair of washed blue denim jeans. It wasn't hard for me to do that. I immediately saw my husband who's craning his neck looking for his 5-foot-tall wife in the sea of towering, white people. Our gaze met. What transpired earlier at the immigration was automatically thrown over to my short-term memory. Aaaaah, we're back in each other's arms again. We kissed, naturally, just like in the movies. Then he gave me a bunch of sweet-smelling, dark, velvety red roses which he purposely hid on his black backpack. And we lived happily ever after.

"There's no place like home" goes the famous saying. But where really is home? Manila? Moscow? Batangas? Mindoro—Calapan City or Puerto Galera? Sometimes, too much traveling messes up one's brain. But I don't mean it in a complaining way. For one thing, when you're traveling, you're body is subject to a speedy motion and if you're not a hard-shell, you will be scattered, leaving a bit of yourself along the way. That is why it is valuable for somebody like me to have the understanding that as a traveler, I am not a settler, I am a pilgrim. What C.S. Lewis said resonates this thought, "If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." I set this in stone: I was made for another world, traveling as a way of life come about only for a season. I'm just passing through. My real citizenship is in heaven, my final destination.

In a perfect world, my travel narrative would have been the same for the month of March or April or May. These months are the best season to travel because the snow has thawed, the ducks with their teal-colored wings waddled into the pond and zippered on the chilly water; the overcast skies moved out as upstaged by the cerulian blue skies; flowers are in bloom with their majestic colors; it's springtime. But real-life situations do occur regardless of the season. This COVID-19 pandemic. Lockdowns were enforced. People are on quarantine. It's not business as usual. My sweet reunion with my husband was put on hold. My little happiness bubble disappeared into thin air. Reality kicked in. I don't think that traveling will be the same even if lockdowns all over the world were lifted. It will take awhile before the dusts settle and until then, I would have to take it one day at a time.

Finding Your Greatest Reward In Waiting

I think that I will never be the same once this pandemic is over. Businesses where closed, millions of jobs were lost. Then, suddenly, we find every student homeschooling and most workers are home — working. Words like social-distancing, quarantine, hoarding, panic-buying, flattening the bell curve, and lockdown have become just a few of the operative words that the media would use to describe the daily news updates. This crisis is unprecedented in history. It has put everything to a halt. All of us are confined to our own homes now and I'm assuming that most days, people are watching from outside of their windows. 'When will this all end?' 

My sister who works as a nurse in the Middle East earlier shared a poem to my siblings' social media group chat. I was amazed at how simple yet timelessly written it was. Originally written in 1869 by an unknown writer, it was reprinted during the 1919 Pandemic that recorded 50,000,000 deaths all over the world and lasted until December 1920. It was estimated to be a third of the population during that time period. Below, I'm sharing over a century-old poem that fittingly describes how the world grinds at this present day and age. Have you spotted the similarities? And wouldn't you agree? 

I quote:

The people stayed at home

And read books

And listened

And they rested

And did exercises

And made art and played

And learned new ways of being

And stopped and listened

More deeply

Someone meditated, someone prayed

Someone met their shadow

And people began to think differently

And people healed

And in the absence of people who

Lived in ignorant ways

Dangerous, meaningless, and heartless,

The earth also began to heal

And when the danger ended and

People found themselves

They grieved for the dead

And made new choices

And dreamed of new visions 

And created new ways of living

And completely healed the earth

Just as they were healed.

End of quote.

As for me, I’m taking this lockdown one.day.at.a.time. I'll keep moving forward everyday as I keep my daily routine. It's time to take a break from planning on a bigger, grander scale as my family and I were accustomed to doing on normal circumstances. Our normal would be that we were never on the same place for a long time. Hence, Manila ・Moscow ・Batangas ・Mindoro ・Repeat. That's how we rolled as OFWs through the years.  The quarterly to yearly planning have always been a big part of our routine as our schedules are set around my hubby's 28-day work and 28-day rest. Got the picture? But for now, we all get off that winding racetrack and try to make sense of this enforced relaxation. Deep inside, a big part of me rejoiced for the possibility of re-learning to stay put, to be on one place for an extended period of time. All the possibilities played in my mind. I can finally declutter our skeletons piling up in the closets and drawers; pull out the weeds growing in the garden, make inventory of expired canned goods in the pantry. We are never in one place. This happens! So, I turn to the 'now'. I am making the most of what I can do today. Not tomorrow, not next week, but today. I have today. I will let tomorrow worry about itself.

 "Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength— carrying two days at once.
 It is moving to tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength." 

Corrie ten Boom— Author of "The Hiding Place"

"Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; 
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

For a start, I will mindfully count my blessings so that I will have plenty of reasons to rejoice…that is the antidote to this crazy pandemic. I look around me; in my kitchen, everything is magnified, everything is significant, every ingredient; onions, garlic, salt, pepper, olive oil, tomatoes, eggplants, the grain of rice, the neighbor’s dog barking from the background, the chicken pecking at my window, and believe me that even lizards are bowing to God at a certain time of the evening! I count my gifts from the Lord, yes, even the mundane things, He ought to receive my highest gratitude. There are no big or small gifts from Him, everything is grand when I receive them from the posture of gratitude. And perhaps, along the same line of thought, I'll take a look again at the expired goods in my pantry and reconsider which ones to really throw away. Somebody said that it's like the wartime these days. This crisis has turned me into a lot of things.😄 

On my recent blog posts, I briefly shared about my learnings on the seasons of togetherness and separateness. It's a process, an on-going journey that I embrace whole-heartedly as underscored by what's going on in the world now. Every country is on a preventive COVID-19 Lockdown. It is important to mention that as I labor pounce on the keyboard, my hubby, my children, and I, are on three geographic locations such as  Moscow・Batangas ・Mindoro. What a way to illustrate 'separateness' and 'growth' when you are actually living it!

I do miss them. It's been 32 days since the lockdown, but who's counting? I surrender everything to God and trust His ways, for His ways are perfect. He alone knows when we will be together again. And to answer the question 'up to how long' will this waiting period last? It's really up to the Sovereign God. Even so, I pray for them, I thank the Lord for them, that while being separate, everyone is drawn closer to God like never before. Our eyes are fixed on Jesus knowing that He is near and would not be 'separated' from us. What a blessing this lockdown has brought about, the blessing of intimacy with God. Isn’t that what really matters the most, for each of us, to find God while waiting in our separateness, or should I say God is the One WHO FIRST FOUND US. He is our great reward in waiting!

In the meantime, while this prevailing crisis changes the way I think, something magnificent is transpiring underneath the dirt. Beneath the baking heat and rains, seeds are  breaking and sprouting from the hearts of my children. Seeds that are long-lasting and enduring; patience, gratefulness, kindness, hard-work, discipline, independence... Hopefully.

"How Can I Miss You If You Never Go Away?" Part 2 of 2 - SEPARATENESS

"Every marriage is made up of two ingredients, togetherness and separateness. In good marriages, the partners carry equal loads of those. Let's say there are 100 points of togetherness and 100 points of separateness. In a good relationship, one partner expresses 50 points togetherness and 50 points separateness, and the other does the same. They both do things on their own, and that creates some mutual longing for the other, and the togetherness creates some need for separateness."  

BOUNDARIES By Dr. Henry Cloud 

Part 1 The Season of Togetherness

Part 2 The Season of Separateness

As quoted above, Dr. Henry Cloud described a healthy togetherness and separateness in marriage. But it's interesting to note that this also holds true for a healthy parent-children relationship especially for home-educating families, presuming that they have a close relationship with each other. This is the kind of perspective that helped you process and prepare for what would inevitably happen in the future as your daughter go away to college. You each create a space for one another to grow. That is the new drum beat to march to. When you're being tempted to worry for her safety and her ability to navigate  the harsh conditions of college life, you remind yourself, it's all about respect. Respect for her innate capacity to adapt to challenging situations, just as how our Abba Father has gifted all of His children to have. That is why nothing beats the gift of adaptability. 

Remember when she first learned how to cross the street? when she had her first jeepney ride on her own? when she learned how to swim and ride a bike? when she learned how to commute on a public bus? her first ride on a Grab car? when she enrolled to university by herself? As she learned these life skills, you yourself learned to slowly keep your distance so she may practice independence. You allowed her to make decisions for herself and in turn, she learned the value of a good or bad decision and the consequences thereof. You, for yourself, understood that coming to her rescue is not about you as a parent bestowing your love for her. Rather, it is you as her parent denying her the privilege of practicing autonomy, a critical part to raising responsible adults. Moreover, it is a selfish kind of love if you're focused on getting rid of your own feeling of discomfort each time your child goes through a tough situation. So, like a broken record, you spoke thus, "I love you that much that as your mom, I can stand the pain of seeing you get hurt now if only that will mold you to become a useful, capable, and responsible adult in the future." Her eyes rolled. Yikes. Tough love. 

Simply put, the season of separateness means you separate. Then you keep pursuing what matters most to you and your family by remaining intentionally separate. Yes, separate, but definitely present. You assure her of your unconditional love for her; you still see her; you encourage her; you listen to her; you pray for her; you still do those sweet little devotion time with her; but you are now off the stage, so to speak. You have fully committed her to Jesus. At times it may require a little sacrifice on your part, by closing your mouth😷 

As a mother, you're all for seeking the common highest good of everyone within your unit. You step back. You look at your children with the perspective that 'these children are not your own, they do not belong to you, they belong to their real Father in heaven. He created them for HIM and not for you. Now you, you are to be called the privileged mom, their God-ordained carer on earth.' You have since given up your degrees on Micro-management 101, Comparative Homeschooling, and Micro-management 102😜which was pivotal to your transition to the new season of separateness almost seamlessly and with anticipation. Having home-educated for 15 years through high school, she must be ready to go out of the coop and fly; to tackle a new territory which will allow her to be the awesome college girl that she is called to be. You can now sing, hand on chest, "How can I miss you if you never go away?" 

Part 1 The Season of Togetherness

Part 2 The Season of Separateness

"How Can I Miss You If You Never Go Away?" Part 1 of 2 - TOGETHERNESS

Part 1 The Season of Togetherness

Part 2 The Season of Separateness

How to wrap around your mama-heart, the thought of your daughter leaving home for college in Manila, Philippines? It's nursery, kinder 1, kinder 2, and then grades 1 to 12, we're talking about 15 wonderful years of preparing her for this season of going to college. 'She's finally on her own now and away from your leashes' was a joke that somehow felt like a reality. But would those 15 years be enough to train her to overcome the challenges of university life and eventually the real life for which she was called for a purpose? Yes. You thought so. 

You will worry and you will be scared naturally, thinking about how she will survive mostly living on her own in the big city. But that is not how you're going to take this season in your life. It's not about the worrying or the doubting, although you can't deny that this struggle is real. Now what is this all about, then? This is all about your posture on how you're going to welcome the inevitable, that she will have to leave and be separate from you. The posture of knowing that in your lifetime, there are seasons of togetherness and separateness. 

Part 1 The Season of Togetherness
     
The season of togetherness is when you have all the luxury of time doing life with her while your daughter is still under your reigns. While her heart is still malleable, able to bend and mold, you teach her, you train her, you educate her, you disappoint her with your "no's" and surprise her with your "yeses". And through this you hoped to teach her that not all in life you'd get a "yes". People will disappoint you, and you will disappoint people. We live in a fallen world that is habitated by fallen people. So, you prepare her for reality, that life is not easy. And yet we are here, surely our Lord has handpicked us for this lifetime of purpose where we ought to thrive and bear fruit. Then you make it stick to her heart, and maybe even at times sounding like a broken record 'the Lord did not create us for us, we are created by Him, for Him'.

In the season of togetherness, your daughter gets to have the front row ticket to watching you how you practice what you preach. She observes your every move, your every word, your every rage, your joys, your brokenness, and your victories and your responses. More than the physical books and online courses that you provided for her to study to teach her the academic side of college preps, she gets to see the real deal and in real time, day-in and day-out. Your character. The one that truly matters, the one that would stick for life because this she will remember, and the academic aspect of it, the quizzes, the recitations, the enumerations, the definitions of terms, God only knows how much will be retained. So, in togetherness, you know that you are being watched! You know that teaching really, is more on what was caught than taught. 

Oh, the joys of togetherness! The first day of her ballet class when she wore her ballerina outfit when she was five. Then you decided after a few months to quit ballet to move back to the island of Mindoro in your hometown of Puerto Galera where the grass is literally greener and the water is blue. You beach-schooled on this paradise island for almost a year until you then went back to homeschool in your hometown of Batangas City. Those together-moments on your road-trips to the South of Luzon, Viajes Del Sol. And yet, you kept going back to the island of Mindoro because you wanted your children to learn how to be awed and to keep repeating it because joy comes in the repetition of things! And a lot of times in togetherness, you hit a lull, just when your kids would spend hours with their swimming coach learning how to swim. You sat by the hotel pool as you drank your juice you thought that waiting on your children finish their swimming routines sometimes felt like it's dumbing you down. You went to university with a college degree but there you were, nannying your own kids! Isn't that a task for unemployed stay-at-home moms? These voices inside your head.

     

You would not allow self-pity to stick for long because you easily learned the art of encouraging yourself in the Lord and found comfort in His promises from scriptures.

"You will keep in perfect and constant peace the one whose mind is steadfast [that is, committed and focused on You—in both inclination and character], Because he trusts and takes refuge in You [with hope and confident expectation]." Isaiah 26:3 (Amp)

With all the complexities and the drama that surround motherhood, you realized later on that being a full-time, hands-on mom is a privilege. Who else would you volunteer to make an indelible imprint into their hearts but you? And while you are in this season, you ought to be intentional in making every moment count with them. Because this is the best time to sow good seeds into their hearts. That is why you do not delegate motherhood. What a privilege! While the kids are young, you be their awesome, present mom. Because life as a whole has fleeting seasons. They change constantly, they do not stay here for long.

In togetherness, homeschooling became your way of life as you normalized traveling with your kids, a big part of which was required by the nature of your husband's job in the oil and gas industry. In togetherness, traveling helped to stimulate growth and adaptability among them. They learned to identify the essentials and what to pack for short and long trips abroad; being mindful of their food and water consumption. They learned the value of planning ahead to manage their expectations. Thus, it cultivated a certain sense of structure and discipline at their young age. Indeed, travel matures people, young and old, allowing them to adapt to different settings and conditions. 

You never ever stayed in one place for a long time to connect permanently with others from outside of your immediate family circle. And as they were growing up to the teen years, heated but healthy arguments around the family table seemed to be normalized just as well. You each learned how to respect and value one another's opinion. Therefore, you were drawn together as a tribe, finding comfort and security in the presence of one another.  The bond that you formed was deep and meaningful in such an organic way.

Part 1 The Season of Togetherness

Tomorrow, Lord-willing? 

Part 2 The Season of Separateness.

We could ride our bikes, then

Read a book or two,

Draw a pretty picture,

Color it with blue,

Walk the dog or just sit quietly with you

You can choose whatever you want to do.

When we are together,

I don't care what we do.

TOGETHER

(Alfred's Premier Piano Course)

How I Responded To James 1:2-4

"Consider it all JOY, brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

Consider it all JOY, my brethren, when you encounter various trials... such as the tragedy that struck my family last October 3 when two gun-wielding criminals riding a motorbike fired multiple shots at my eldest brother and his 15 year-old son. It happened so fast in split seconds that both of them died on the spot in broad daylight, right at the driveway of their own home. It was difficult watching the news on national TV and on the internet the following days. It was a double-murder tragedy. I've seen hundreds of news like this before. But this day was different. This was my brother. This was my nephew. 

You and I both know that a tragedy is a tragedy; it is unthinkable, it cut so deep, the shards of glass felt permanently imbedded in the recesses of your heart. You are shaken to the core. You are at your wit's end trying to process what was unthinkable; bad things happen to good people? Such as my own brother who have lived a simple and decent life of service to his constituents. He served the people of Puerto Galera for over two decades as town councilor. He was billed by his colleagues as a "brilliant fiscalizer", a force to reckon with in the konseho, a great influencer, his wisdom sought after. He did not take what wasn't his. My nephew was a kind-hearted young man, full of talents and dreams. I loved him like my own son. He was best buddies with my own two children. They enjoyed playing good music together and with their other cousins, they formed their own band called Pins and Needles; "Pins" is short for pinsan (cousin), while "needles" represent their titos (uncles) and titas (aunts) who are doctors and nurses. They are the ones who are next in line, so to speak. If this happened to us, it could happen to anyone else, too.

You may have experienced the same shattering situation in your own life before or perhaps even worse than this, only God knows, or you may still be in the middle of a different form of trial today. They come in different shapes and sizes. Go ahead. 

Feel free to fill in the spaces below.  What's your kind of trial/s today?

•              _______________________________________________________________
•              _______________________________________________________________
•              _______________________________________________________________

Please remember that there are no wrong answers if you tried to fill in the blanks mentally. They are all legitimate trials, God-wise, because everything about me, about you, is important to Him. And I am not supposed to feel ashamed to expose my weaknesses to an All-knowing God, because when I'm honest with my feelings, when I'm transparent, helpless in the face of adversity, when I choose to put Him where He should be in my life, to be at the CENTER of my orbit, then I give Him honor. And to honor Him is the purpose for why I'm even here in the first place. He is the Only Wise God, Who without a doubt is the One in control of my life. 

It's my bread of the day. It's too chunky for my baby-self to ingest. I like breaking it down into chewable pieces. Knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance; underscoring the four big words; KNOWING, TESTING, FAITH, ENDURANCE, they overshadow words like death, sickness, cancer, bankruptcy, divorce, rape, murder, the unthinkable!

KNOWING is realizing and accepting the fact that trials will always be present here on earth, that troubles are a grim reality, troubles will come, as my daughter reminded me, 'yes, Mom, life is a bed of roses, because the truth is, roses have thorns.' I can't agree with her more. I have to make peace with that; I don't live in a perfect world but I live in a perfectly broken world, where God is still in control and always will be. God is King, He is on the throne and always will be.

TESTING is yet again synonymous with fun words like trials, adversities, troubles, they are all necessary elements for growth and maturity. For this process to take place, come to think of it, there will be breaking and stretching and lifting and shifting, fun words. But my default is to trust in my own understanding, to be self-sufficient, and independent of help. Only to find myself later at the end of the rope, helpless and marred to the bone. Apart from Him I can't accomplish anything. It is literally something out-of-this-world because it is only made possible through God's divine enablement. I may not be always aware of His presence, but it is Him Who makes everything possible for me.  What a privilege to be stuck right in the middle of this  molding process! As defined in Hebrews 11:1, faith is being sure of what I am hoping for, being certain of the things I cannot see, it is a God-thing. Even the ability to trust in Him comes from Him. He provides by giving me assurance from His scriptures. His scriptures give life as it transforms my limited thought processes from non-believing to believing.  No matter how unthinkable a tragedy may hit  me, by faith, I have my hope in Him Who had everything planned out for me. I will reap the harvest of endurance.

ENDURANCE plays a significant part in order for me to finish strong in fulfilling my God-given purpose in life. There may be times when my purpose looked bleak for the long haul. And again, my daughter described it well one morning after we buried our loved ones. 'It felt like we're in a snow globe, Mom, we were shaken deep down and you can't see through. But no matter how shaken we have been, things will eventually settle and we will see clearly. Everything will make sense someday why God allows bad things happen to good people.'  I must let endurance have its perfect result in me. It is a process. It is time-bound. I will keep pressing forward because that is what endurance is all about, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going; and it gets better and better each day as the Lord Himself provides the strength to endure. 

It is amazing to think that as I learn to appreciate every event that comes my way, both good and bad, I become more like Him! What a privilege, what a way to become like Him when I experience suffering! No wonder there is such a place called Via Dolorosa, Latin for Way of Suffering just as Jesus did on the cross more than two thousand years ago, this was the path that He took, how He suffered to the point of death on the cross of Calvary because of His love for me. He showed me how to become like Him. Be like Him. Too much to comprehend, because when I say "I love You, Lord" that means I will follow Him, I become a follower, I become like Him, and His way is the way of suffering. It is through suffering that my own heart is transformed to be like HIM. What a privilege to be like Him when I experience suffering! Meanwhile, because of His loving-kindness, He provides a way for me to be transformed to be more like Him. He imparts His own character in me as I learn to trust HIM for everything through the power of the Holy Spirit.

I remain faithful and hopeful, and joyfully ENDURE slash PERSEVERE. Let perseverance finish its work is to be on the same page with God as I let Him strengthen me in my weakness because when I stay put and let God be God, I am transformed from a Me-centered person to a God-centered person. I become more and more like Him each day so that I may be mature and complete not lacking anything.

Note: All photos from Tabinay Beach were taken by Bethany A. De Chavez😃